Depression is my dark twin.
It knows everything about me,
All of my strengths,
And all of my weaknesses.

It can counter my every move
To try and improve my condition.
It can stop me from being human.
It can drain me to the point of lifelessness.

It is devious, and has the ability
To enslave me in a darkened bedroom
For months on end.

It steals the totality of:
My pleasure,
My joy,
My focus,
My aims,
My goals,
My dreams,
My passions,
My friends,
My family,
My laughter
My love
My me…

It laughs at me and belittles me
When I try to fight my way back
To a semi-functioning state.
It kicks me in the jewels
Again and again.

It is darker than deepest space,
And yet more powerful than the core of a star.

At the same time, it is so very enticing.
It draws me in with this thrilling pain that I feel.
I crave it every bit as much as I loathe it.
When I give in to it fully,
I am paradoxically both free and enslaved.

It is inextricably linked to my
Physical,
Mental,
Emotional and
Spiritual self.

It is me.

And yet I am so much more than just my depression.
I room the full gamut of emotions and energy states
That my bipolar chooses to foist upon me.

As well as all of the negatives,
There are many positives to depression,
Although they can be very hard to find,
Especially when I am mired in the muck of my misery.

I recognise that my depression
Is also an important and natural part
Of my mood cycles.
It is a crucial part of the yin and yang,
The alpha and omega.

It is a time when the seeds of my creativity
Are sown in dark soils at midnight.
It is a time when I feel loveless and unloved,
But eventually I see
A brief glimmer of light in the distance,
As a fleeting will-o’-the-wisp,
And I stir from my coma
And rediscover the deep and profound
Love of life that I have within me.

When I start to emerge from my depression,
I feel life and love again,
And I return to living a fulfilling and balanced life,
Having survived my time in the darkness.
The feeling of the sun on my uplifted face is indescribably beautiful,
And I realise that without my depression,
I would not fully be who I am.

For that, I am grateful.

It is a gift and a curse, all at once,
This thing called depression.

Learning to survive it is the first step.
Learning to harness the power that it prepares you for is the next step.
I look forward to finding out what further steps await me…

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