One of my favourite parts of one of my favourite stoner movies. Jon Stewart as the Enhancement Smoker in the classic movie Half Baked...

Hi Ramblers,

Just a language warning for the following - if you are easily offended, then you might want to skip this one...

Now I like puns as much as the next person. Actually, that's not true. I like puns a lot. One of the places where you find lots of puns is in titles of pornographic material. Popular movie titles are given the pun treatment, and my favourites (easily found using trusty old Google) are listed below for your perusal. Some of them crack me up. My favourite would have to be "What's Eating Gilbert's Grapes?".

20,000 Legs Under The Sea
28 Gays Later
A Few Hard Men
A Fistful Of Penis
A Lad In
A Rear And Pleasant Danger
All Hands On Dick
Ally McFeel
An Officer And A Genitalman
Ass Ventura: Crack Detective
Ball The President's Men
Ben-Hur Over
Benny In June
Beverly Hills 9021-Ho!
Bi-Curious George
Big Trouble In Little Vagina
Black Cock Down
Bone Alone
Bridget Jones' Hairy
Bruce Allmeaty
Buffy The Vampire Layer
Butch Lesbian And The Lapdance Kid
Charlie's Anals
Cockodile Dun-me
Cool Bummings
Crimson Ride
Cum and Cummer
Dial M For Missionary
Diddle-her On The Roof
Doctor Do Me A Little
Doing John Malkovich
Driving It Into Ms. Daisy
Driving Miss Daisy (Into The Headboard)
E-3: The Extra Testicle
Edward Penishands
Emission Possible
Everybody Does Raymond
Fill Bill
Flesh Gordon
Forrest Hump
Get Smut
Good Will Humping
Guess Who Came At Dinner
Hairy Potter Made The Philosopher Moan
Harry Did Sally
How Stella Got Her Tube Packed
Hung Wankenstein
I Cream On Jeannie
Inrearendence Day
In Diana Jones
Intercourse With A Vampire
Jurassic Pork
King Dong
Lap Dances With Wolves
Lawrence Of A Labia
Legs Wide Open
Lust Of The Mohicans
Malcolm XXX
Mating For Guffman
Meat The Parents
Monty's Python And The Holey Girl
Moulin Splooge
Murphy's Brown
My Big Fat Greek Cock
Night Of The Giving Head
On Golden Blonde
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Breast
Phallus In Wonderland
Picnic At Hanging Cock
Playmate Of The Apes
Position Impossible
Pulp Friction
Queer And Present Danger
Rebel Without A Condom
Remember The Tightuns'
Romancing The Bone
Romeo In Juliet
Saturday Night Beaver
Schindler's Fist
Scrotal Recall
Sgt. Pecker's Lonely Hearts Club Gangbang
Shake My Spear, I'm In Love
Shaving Ryan's Privates
Sheepless In Montana
Sleeping With Seattle
Snow White And The Seven Inches
Sorest Rump
Star Whores
Star Whores: Return Of The One-Eye
Star Whores: The Empire Licks Back
Swallow Hal
The Bare Bitch Project
The Cum Of All Queers
The Dirty Dozen Inches
The Empire Strokes Black
The Genital's Daughter
The Great Muppet Raper
The Horny-Mooners
The Humpback Of Nasty Dames
The Hung And The Breastless
The Hunt For Head-all-over
The Hunt For Miss October
The Iron Giant Vibrator
The Joy Suck Club
The Loin King
The Long Ranger
The Lord Of The G-Strings - The Femaleship Of The String
The Maddam's Family
The Nads-u-ate
The Object Of My Erection
The Ozporns
The Pink Mile
The Porn Ultimatum
The Reproducers
The Rodfather
The Screwman Show
The Sixth Inch
The Slutty Professor
The Sopornos
The Sperminator
The Talented Mr. Lickme
The Touchables
There's Something In And Out Of Mary
Thighs Wide Slut
Three Men And Some Gravy
Three Men On A Lady
Titty Slickers
To Drill A Mockingbird
Touched By An Uncle
Wetness For The Prosecution
What's Eating Gilbert's Grapes?
When Harry Wet Sally
White Men Can't Hump
Who Reamed Roger Rabbit?
Womb Raider
Women In Black
Yank My Doodle, It's A Dandy
You've Got Tail

Until next time, oh ramblers - stay sane and don't forget to smile at a stranger every now and then.

Greetings Oh Rambling Masses,

Funny how words change, depending on their context. Take the following examples:

Camel Toe

Fly's Eyes

Hi Ramblers,

One thing that I've noticed over the past 3 years or so of political interviews is this - quite often there is an anonymous nodder in the background, providing nods of approval at the appropriate moments during the spin that the politician is delivering, to act as a kind of subliminal approval prod, much in the same way that canned laughter is used to make you feel like laughing at stupid schadenfreude comedy like Australia's Funniest Home Video.

I wonder what the job description is for this very important role. It would run something like this, I would think:

  • Must have a clearly defined neck that shows head nodding to good effect.
  • Must have a fairly mediocre head, so that attention is not distracted from the politician you are nodding for.
  • Must be slightly taller than the politician you are nodding for, so that the perspective is correct for the camera.
  • Must be able to follow autocue prompts of [nod now] at the appropriate time.
  • Must not overact, because too much nodding is just silly.
  • Must not nod off during the interview.
  • Must have head attached fairly solidly in case a significant quantity of nodding is required during a particularly nod-worthy interview.

I believe that both the Liberals and Labor have gym instructors and personal trainers specifically hired to maintain the nodders at their peak of fitness.

Hello, oh Rambling Masses,

I got to thinking a few random thoughts, Steven Wright style, and felt like sharing them with you. So, for better or worse, here they are:

  • Why do they call them Automatic Teller Machines, when you still need to manually make your way to an ATM, insert your card, key in your PIN, the amount you want, which account to get it from, whether or not you want a receipt, grab your card, grab your cash and grab your receipt? If it were truly automatic, shouldn't the money just magically appear in your wallet?
  • What if you are neither lucky at love or cards? Do you get some other kind of bonus to compensate?
  • Why are there approximately 25 different types of toilet paper of all different kinds of ply thickness, colours, patterns, fragances, aloe vera infusions and diverse other luxurious trappings, when ultimately, it's all really about poo, plain and simple? Is this really the best that capitalism has to offer?
  • Why did the descriptive moniker "Heavy Metal" never get shortened to "Lead"?
  • Why are our lives absolutely nothing like "reality TV"? Isn't that false advertising?
  • If sunflower oil comes from sunflowers, and olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
  • Why did we ever stop the age-old practise of killing the bearer of ill tidings? If we reinstated it, it might mean that the TV news and newspapers would be worthwhile for a change.
  • Does anyone really care about consumer confidence? What is that, anyway - "Consumer Confidence"? If I walk tentatively into a chemist and purchase some condoms, would that be reducing the level of consumer confidence?
  • Does Baz Luhrmann do his BAS, or does his accountant do Baz's BAS for him?
  • What do swallows do if they have problems swallowing?
  • Did you know that as recently as pre-WWII, blue used to be a girl's colour, and pink used to be a boy's colour? This is because blue was considered the more delicate of the two, what with pink being associated with the strong colour, red. Apparently, the use of a pink triangle to identify homosexuals in Nazis concentration camps contributed to the gender-colour reversal, as did the post-war desire to get away from the dreary grey, navy and khaki of the wartime years.
  • Why don't more soldiers faint during their Passing Out Parade?
  • How come people get grossed out when you mention making cheese from human breast milk? We are human, and it makes more sense to eat human cheese than it does to eat cow cheese, goat cheese or sheep cheese, doesn't it? Guys would be queueing up to join the dairy industry...
  • What will unlucky lovers say, now that there aren't plenty of fish left in the sea?
  • Do sheep publish silly videos on EweTube?
  • Why is Egg Like nothing like eggs?
  • Has anyone ever tried to make ear wax candles?
  • Why don't we connect gym equipment to generators, so that we can make electricity whilst we get fit?
  • Why, in this age of rampant obesity, don't we pull out all the shopping mall travelators and escalators, and replace them with good old-fashioned stairs (with a few lifts for the less mobile)?
  • Can you get skin cancer from too much Moon Tan?
  • When the astronauts landed on the Moon, did they bring bits of bread and fondue forks?
  • Why do golfers dress like bad seventies' pimps?
  • Do elephants get nose bleeds?
  • What is it that hyenas and kookaburras find so funny?
  • Do sloths exercise vigorously when the Discovery Channel cameras are turned off?
  • Wouldn't it be great if onions made you laugh instead of cry?
  • How is it possible for Keith Richards to still be alive? Is Death scared of him?

Alright, Rambling Masses,

Time for some bad jokes to lighten the mood a bit:

  • Did you hear about the gay spider? He couldn't keep his hands off his mate's fly.
  • A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?"
  • A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the barman says "We've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says "What, Gerald?"
  • A guy walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the bartender gives him one.
  • A dyslexic walks into a bra...
  • How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightblub?
  • The above two jokes were brought to you by the BLP (International Dyslexia Association).
  • Did you hear about the Irish circumciser? He slipped and got the sack.
  • How do you start a pudding race? Sago.
  • How do you start a Teddy Bear race? Ready, Teddy, Go.
  • Why do elephants have big ears? Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
  • Why don't worms have balls? Because they can't dance.
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