Hello, oh Rambling Masses,

I got to thinking a few random thoughts, Steven Wright style, and felt like sharing them with you. So, for better or worse, here they are:

  • Why do they call them Automatic Teller Machines, when you still need to manually make your way to an ATM, insert your card, key in your PIN, the amount you want, which account to get it from, whether or not you want a receipt, grab your card, grab your cash and grab your receipt? If it were truly automatic, shouldn't the money just magically appear in your wallet?
  • What if you are neither lucky at love or cards? Do you get some other kind of bonus to compensate?
  • Why are there approximately 25 different types of toilet paper of all different kinds of ply thickness, colours, patterns, fragances, aloe vera infusions and diverse other luxurious trappings, when ultimately, it's all really about poo, plain and simple? Is this really the best that capitalism has to offer?
  • Why did the descriptive moniker "Heavy Metal" never get shortened to "Lead"?
  • Why are our lives absolutely nothing like "reality TV"? Isn't that false advertising?
  • If sunflower oil comes from sunflowers, and olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
  • Why did we ever stop the age-old practise of killing the bearer of ill tidings? If we reinstated it, it might mean that the TV news and newspapers would be worthwhile for a change.
  • Does anyone really care about consumer confidence? What is that, anyway - "Consumer Confidence"? If I walk tentatively into a chemist and purchase some condoms, would that be reducing the level of consumer confidence?
  • Does Baz Luhrmann do his BAS, or does his accountant do Baz's BAS for him?
  • What do swallows do if they have problems swallowing?
  • Did you know that as recently as pre-WWII, blue used to be a girl's colour, and pink used to be a boy's colour? This is because blue was considered the more delicate of the two, what with pink being associated with the strong colour, red. Apparently, the use of a pink triangle to identify homosexuals in Nazis concentration camps contributed to the gender-colour reversal, as did the post-war desire to get away from the dreary grey, navy and khaki of the wartime years.
  • Why don't more soldiers faint during their Passing Out Parade?
  • How come people get grossed out when you mention making cheese from human breast milk? We are human, and it makes more sense to eat human cheese than it does to eat cow cheese, goat cheese or sheep cheese, doesn't it? Guys would be queueing up to join the dairy industry...
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